Open top menu

Open Letter to Alexander Skarsgård

This is a very creative and clever letter from Brian about his wife’s fascination with Alexander Skarsgård.

NOTICE to all husbands out there: this letter could be adapted to your use also.  If you have a similar problem, but with a different male True Blood lead we suggest that you use the letter below by making a few minor text edits and replacing Alexander’s name with the male lead on True Blood that your wife lusts after.

Dear Alexander Skarsgård,

Stay away from my wife.

I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and I’m not about to let you swoop in with your slicked back blonde hair, black leather jacket, and impossibly good looks and steal my wife. I refuse to let you waltz into my home (after being invited in) and use your trendy vampire skills to take a bloody bite out of the sanctity of my marriage. You don’t fool me for one second Mr. Skarsgård — I know you’re not really a vampire. My wife on the other hand, she appears to be too busy swooning to know the difference.

Until this horrible vampire fad passes and she snaps out of it, stay the hell away from my wife.

I know she loves me, but clearly your influence is something beyond her conscious control. On Sunday night as I sit dutifully by her side on the couch during True Blood, I can’t help but notice how she looks at the TV. She stares beyond the plasma screen hoping that if she concentrates hard enough she’ll be transported right into the broadly drawn stereotype that is Bon Temps, Louisiana.

Do you know how tough it is to watch the future mother of my children sexually mesmerized like that? Of course you don’t — you just glamour any woman you want with your vampire stud powers and drag her down to your underground sex chamber.

This vampire bullshit does not follow the rules of engagement. Let’s just pretend that my wife is garlic encased in sterling silver outside at noon on a hot summer day.

Why couldn’t we just battle this out on a level playing field? East Coast software guy with social anxiety versus Swedish actor once nominated for a Guldbagge Award. That’s a battle I feel like I can win. But instead you’ve got to stack the deck and make sure that every couple of episodes contain a completely unnecessary extended shot of your naked ass. It’s essentially another vampire spell, just with more sweaty glistening ass. You’ve also cameoed in both the movie Zoolander and Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi video. If that doesn’t completely corner the tastes of the world’s women (and I suppose gay men as well), I don’t know what does. Don’t try so hard Skarsgård, it’s kind of pathetic.

Would you prefer to hear it in your native tongue? Stanna borta från min hustru.

The vampire killer in me has been awakened and I won’t rest until my wife notices my own sexual inadequacies during our occasional lovemaking sessions rather than envisioning a pale Swedish vampire on my also pale, but otherwise completely different frame. I’ve read ahead in the Sookie Stackhouse books and the good guys win.

In conclusion: Stay away from my wife.

Sincerely,

Brian

source

40 Comment responses

  1. Avatar
    July 09, 2010

    dear alexander skarsgard… im single you can have any day or night…@anytime you would like

    Reply

    • Avatar
      July 09, 2010

      there supposed to be a me in between have and any…lol

      Reply

  2. Avatar
    July 09, 2010

    HILARIOUS !

    Reply

  3. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG this is hysterical!! is this for real?? i wonder what Alex said to this?? you know it is so True they do have us hypnotized and we sit waiting to be pulled in to Bon Temps! my gosh i watch the same shows over and over again and love it each time and discover something different too! i have Posters on my walls and t-shirts ! i am a 42 year old giddy in love teenager with fictional characters that i pray will come to life!! I so want to be a fangbanger!! lol!

    Reply

    • Avatar
      July 10, 2010

      Ditto to everything you said (except I’m 41, and not 42)

      Reply

      • Avatar
        July 10, 2010

        Ditto, ditto, only I’m 51!!

      • Avatar
        July 10, 2010

        This is so funny! That guy sure has a sense of humor! I’ve got to say I’m in the same boat…a 35 year old mother of 4 happily married and I sit mesmerized any time just hoping to be sucked right into the tv!

    • Avatar
      July 12, 2010

      I am 37 years old, single mom of 1 boy, available 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, until eternity! I am all yours… please take me! LOL

      Reply

  4. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    LOL. I have to say that’s pretty funny!

    Reply

  5. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Haha:) Liked your letter. But: Stay away from my wife = Låt bli min hustru/ Låt min hustru vara

    Reply

  6. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Did my husband write this?

    Reply

  7. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Delightful! Of course my hubby knows nothing about my TB obsession and my lusting after one brooding, dark-haired vampire named Bill. So far, so good. Color me verra, verra sneaky.

    Reply

  8. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    hahaha… this is so cool!!!

    Reply

  9. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Very funny!

    “you’ve got to stack the deck and make sure that every couple of episodes contain a completely unnecessary extended shot of your naked ass.” Love it!

    Reply

  10. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Haha, that’s so great. Don’t worry Brian, brains and wit are also very attractive!

    Reply

  11. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    SKARSGAAAAAAAARD!

    Reply

  12. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    I want to know what books he read? Sookie Stackhouse novels haven’t ended and Eric is not a bad guy. Even with this error I find the letter funny, I am sure my husband can relate.

    Reply

    • Avatar
      July 10, 2010

      Maybe Brian see’s Eric differently? hmmmm

      Reply

      • Avatar
        July 10, 2010

        I am sure he does:)

    • Avatar
      July 12, 2010

      that is true… actually, the bad guy ends up to be Bill who betrayed Sookie from the very begining. Ah Eric.. Eric..Eric… do vampires exist? can we make them real? :)

      Reply

  13. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    HILARIOUS!!!!!

    This could go well for Stephen Moyer as well.
    I think Brian speaks for all of our hubby’s and boyfriends! lol

    Reply

  14. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    I’m sure he gets to enjoy the benefits of his wife’s increased libido.

    Reply

    • Avatar
      July 10, 2010

      Alex / Eric definitely can stir up the libido. My hubby’s thankful….!

      Reply

    • Avatar
      July 11, 2010

      Right on the spot,Geeee

      Reply

  15. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Yes this is hilarious but i am 64 and i am really into this show and Eric
    but my hubby and son is into Deborah Ann Wall they just love Jessica.So
    it can go both ways,just enjoy.

    Reply

  16. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Dude-I don’t know what books you’ve been reading-butt (spoiler alert) Eric pretty much rules the roost in every woman’s life he’s involved in…the good guy got his heart ripped out last season!

    Reply

  17. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    I was wondering the same thing. omg its so funny..

    Reply

  18. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Wow! That is so funny! My hubby could have written that; he is completly over my obsesion with all things A.S./Vampire Eric! LOL! It is so great to hear from the above comments that I am not the only one past my 30’s who is glued to the t.v. when he come on! I guess you are never too old to have a crush! lol! :)

    Reply

  19. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    substitue Andy… and beefy, hot as hell detective with a pair of handcuffs and big nightstick … then it could have been written by my hubby…

    Reply

    • Avatar
      July 11, 2010

      Buell:
      Letter sounds like it could have been written by almost
      anyone of our hubbies~Unless they’re fans of the Show???
      How are you doing? It’s been awhile since we last “talked”
      Hope everything is fine with your family?
      I’m over at the truebloodwiki or ericnorthman.net
      Still under Marleneemm.

      Reply

  20. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Take it from me, one who is (dare I say) older than those brave enough to post their ages here – I am completely, longingly, unabashedly, and indescribably glamoured by a soft-spoken, dark-haired, brooding, sexy vampire who visits me on Sunday nights.
    You are never too old to love a vampire!

    Reply

  21. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    I forgot to say: Great letter – F U N N Y A S H E ** !

    Reply

  22. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    Very funny!

    I especially liked it when he switched to Swedish to make sure there’s no misunderstandings.

    I bet he likes his wife’s libido on Sunday nights though. *waggles eyebrows*

    Reply

  23. Avatar
    July 10, 2010

    I left a reply to Brian on the site the letter was on.
    I told him that his wife’s not the only women obcessed
    with Alexander Johan Haljmar Skarsgard.
    I told him his wife would have to get in “line”,
    that there are women from The USA,Canada,The UK,Italy,
    Sweden,Mexico and who knows where else that are obcessed with him..
    I also told him “to get used to this~As the show’s been picked up
    for another season~~AND who knows when it will end?????????

    Reply

  24. Avatar
    July 11, 2010

    Mouse:
    Hey lady! How you doing??
    Will you please either come over to the TrueBlood wiki or ericnorthman.net
    By the way what did you think of my letter to Brian??
    Looking foward to tonight’s episode??
    I missed the show last week!

    Reply

  25. Avatar
    July 11, 2010

    OMG! Read all the books twice and now have them on my ipod. “Dead to the World” (book 4) shower scene is the best thing to listen to anytime. I am currently on “All Together Dead” and am looking forward to listening to the bonding scene again. I have never been so obsessed with a character/actor in 60 years. I rule the remote on Sunday nights ! I would “yield” in a heartbeat. He is so hot !!!

    Reply

  26. Avatar
    July 11, 2010

    Without a doubt! Eric wouldn’t have to convince me to invite him in!!!

    Reply

  27. Avatar
    July 11, 2010

    Crystalin Whitehouse
    dear brian instead of being upset about how hot alexander skarsgard is and how every woman wants to bang a vamp you should embrace it. Come home from work one night with fangs in and see if your wife will invite you in. Then glamour her into doing every dirty little thing you want. In fact that sounds like a plan, i may have to try that myself. Especially since my husbands name is Eric. I won’t get in trouble for screaming the wrong name. lol

    Reply

Leave a comment