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Ten things to do in Bon Temps before the world ends

As you may have heard, the calendar of the ancient South American Mayans ends on 21st December, so there’s speculation that this is the day that the world is going to end. If that were the case, then where better to spend the countdown to the apocalypse than Bon Temps? Here are some shenanigans that you could get up to before the end of days…

Welcome to Bon Temps

 

1. Head to Bon Temps’ premiere bar and eatery, Merlotte’s. As proprietor Sam Merlotte has pointed out, a lot of people get murdered there, so it’s a good thing for him that the town doesn’t have too many bar options. You can sample Merlotte’s old style Southern cooking, courtesy of head chef Lafayette, and sous chef Terry Bellefleur. While you’re enjoying your cheeseburger with AIDS, why not have a beer with Hoyt’s road crew? And the flat screen TVs make this bar a great place to watch rolling news coverage of the coming apocalypse.

2. Go and hang out at resident Vampire King William Compton’s classy antebellum mansion. Please note: you might want to give him a spongebath if he’s in Billith mode. If you’re a gamer, then how about playing some Wii and X-Box 360 with him and Jessica (he favours Wii Golf, while she does a mean Cherry Bomb on Rock Band). Or if you ask nicely, King Bill might show you his jazz piano. And when the end of the world does come, he’s got a handy nuclear bunker beneath his home that you could hide out in.

3. Head over to Lafayette’s place. The end of the world is nigh, so now is the perfect time to try a V trip for the first time. Or if the ultimate psychedelic experience is not your bag, you could just smoke a bong and try on some of his frocks.

4. If you’re on the guestlist (i.e. not a vampire), you could find yourself in secret fairy strip joint Hot Wings. A lapdance from a fairy is one you’ll never forget! If they take a shine to you, you could find yourself in the fairy realm, which will prove handy should a planet collide with the Earth.

5. Check out one of the barbeques that the local werewolf pack holds. While there you can eat some meat (don’t worry, they only eat their dead relatives raw), play fetch with adorable werewolf cub Emma, and hopefully see some young alpha wolves wrestling. If you get drunk, Alcide will be happy to carry you home.

 

merlotte2

 

6. It’s been a while since Bon Temps had its last Maenad orgy, and surely one to celebrate the apocalypse will be the party to end all parties. There will be epic fruit, endless pot, and if you’re really lucky, the glorious sight of a tree made out of rotting meat. A word of warning though: make sure everyone’s left their black contact lenses at home this time.

7. Take a short drive to neighbouring town Shreveport, home to the South’s number one Vampire nightclub, Fangtasia. There’s industrial metal on the jukebox, poledancers, and plenty of opportunities to lose your fangbanging cherry. While here, if you’re easy on the eye, proprietor and local vampire sheriff Eric Northman might take a shine to you and let you sit on his knee on his throne. Hell, maybe he’ll let you swing his Viking sword too.

8. Hook up with Eric’s sardonic vampire lieutenant Pam. Raid her closet (it did Tara no end of favours), have a TruBlood cocktail, and bitch about Sookie’s precious fairy vagina. She might even let you check out her fluffy pink coffin.

9. Be sure to visit the Bon Temps cemetery, a historical burial ground dating back to before the Civil War. It’s also an excellent location in which to indulge in some very muddy graveyard sex.

10. When the hijinx get out of hand, get yourself arrested by Bon Temps’ finest. You’re bound to enjoy getting handcuffed by Jason in his cop uniform. If you aren’t too much of a troublemaker, he might do some handstand push-ups to keep you entertained while you’re in your cell.

AphroditeMF
Natalie co-hosts God Hates Fangs podcast with her husband. She is currently working on a trilogy of sci-fi vampire novels.
AphroditeMF
AphroditeMF

17 Comment responses

  1. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    Awesome list of tips, I’d love to raid Pam’s closet but I fear the zipper will get stuck half way up, so I’ll settle for the sponge bath with Bill. LOL

    Reply

  2. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    This is too funny! Great job

    Reply

  3. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    I would start my last night on earth with an AIDS burger at Merlotte’s and then would go to the Compton mansion to give Bill a sponge bath :-D
    Or maybe the cemetery?
    Great list Aphrodite :-D

    Reply

    • Avatar
      December 18, 2012

      I think I’ll have the veggie burger with bacon LOL

      Reply

  4. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    Can’t stop laughing. I love these suggestions. Who could resist to enjoy some graveyard sex?

    Reply

  5. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    Choices, choices … I plan on making a day of it. I’ll start at Merlotte’s and enjoy a brew and a burger with any of the BT gang who show up; next on my list … a visit to Lafayette where I hope to experience a short V trip. I mean why not?? It’s now or never. Then I’ll head over to Pam’s to just hang out and see if she’ll lend me some glitz to wear for my visit to King Bill’s mansion. Maybe she and I can share a True Blood cocktail before I depart. And maybe, just maybe Ginger can be persuaded to scream one last time. Then I plan on ambling over to the mansion. Fingers crossed that Bill will be looking all kingly and gorgeous and not dripping blood the way we last saw him. If the world is going to end, I want to spend it in the company of a true southern gentleman.

    This was great fun. Well done, Aphrodite.

    Reply

  6. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    Great list! Could not stop laughing!

    Spending the evening at Fangtasia swinging Eric’s Viking “sword” and sitting on his lap…I’d die a very happy woman. LOL

    Reply

    • Avatar
      December 18, 2012

      Me too! I totally agree but I wouldn’t mind a roll in the woods with the big blonde Viking either.

      Reply

  7. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    So many options and all too hard to resist. I’m torn between the graveyard sex and King Bill’s mansion. Even if he is still bloody Billith, having him take a bit out of me wouldn’t be a bad way to go! : )

    Reply

  8. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    LMAO – seriously Aphrodite! So many excellent choices…I do love graveyards :)

    Reply

  9. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    What a great article, well done Aphrodite!

    Reply

  10. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    So many choices, so little time. Great list.

    Reply

  11. Avatar
    December 18, 2012

    Guys, would it be OK with you if I posted the list on tumblr? I will credit the author and the site. My friends would get such a kick out of it.

    Reply

    • Avatar
      December 19, 2012

      I don’t mind, if it’s ok with Shadaliza and Lynn.

      Reply

    • Avatar
      December 19, 2012

      Under the Fair Share policy you could repost a part and link to the source to read the rest.

      Reply

  12. Avatar
    December 19, 2012

    I loved your list, Aphrodite! Thanks for putting it together.

    Reply

  13. Avatar
    December 21, 2012

    Well, it’s the night of the 21st, and no end of the world in sight! Surprise, surprise! Anyway, this is a great list, Aphrodite. I like the idea of a snack at Merlotte’s, and a visit to Bill’s place, where one would hope he was back to his old self!

    Reply

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